I decided to create this blog for politics, originally, but now I want to focus on something that is so important to me. How the brain is wired diffferent, and what it’s like not being officially diagnosed with something for so long.
For a long time I thought it was just my anxiety that was undiagonsed because I have something called 22Q. It’s the missing chromosome of 22 and causes a plethora of other things, including heart defect. I had trilogy of follot-look up Jimmy Kimmell’s monologue about it when his son got it. That caused many heart surgeries, and throat surgeries,So I thought that was is, right? That was the reason why I’m so different. I used to think I was abnormal, I’m not kidding. No one seemed to know about it. Now, like Autism, it’s being more recoginzed,and that is a blessing. But the more I researched the symptoms, the more things I came across that I had that I didn’t know was connected with it.
Joint problems-my knee dislocates
Then I made the connection of developemental delay to autism spectrum disorder. They were too similar to ignore. I really didn’t give my developmental delay as much thought as I probably should have early on. I just kind of drifted, aware enough to know I was different (but not to know WHY I was different). I felt, secretly, so out of place.
Nothing can be more upsetting to a kid then not belonging somewhere. As a kid you are biologically geared towards social interactions. But when you have a neurotypical brain the mind makes it very difficult to belong. Noises bothered me, and so did lights and heat. But there was an underlying issue on why I was afraid to socialize more.
I didn’t understand people.
There, I said it. I read about them, watched them on tv, and even outside like I was watching something at a zoo. I mimiced them.
I did a really good acting job.
So good, I almost convinced myself I was “normal.”
I really hated using that word, but I so desperatly wanted to fit in. Why was it people were interested in boyfriends/girlfriends, and I couldn’t picture myself with someone that iniimate? Why did the idea of intimacy that profound scared me so intensily?
Why didn’t I want to pursue major goals in my life? I wanted to travel, go to college, but I didn’t want a career-besides writing. I had no real strive to motivate myself.
Why didn’t I want independence? Why was I so content staying in my hometown when everyone else was moving on? Why did I want to stay with my dad, and live in my house forever? Why did I resist the idea of change so much?
The idea of change is something that I’ll address later on.
Bottom line, I didn’t have the social desires other people had. I was content with simple things. Watching a favorite show, eating a favorite meal. That made me happy. I didn’t need social interaction to make me happy, and yet it’s kind of required. So I still had to learn to cope/to mimic. I still find it exhausting, but at least I don’t beat myself up for being so different anymore.
Being undiagonesed, and not knowing WHY you are different is overwhelminginly lonely. I read there are so many women out there undiaognesed because originally autism was seen as a male syndrome. Untreated, it can be serious. For me it caused Generalized Anxiety and chronic depression. For others. it can cause eating disorders-very common amongst woman-and suicidal thoughts. Because of these siutations,it NEEDS to be recoginzed that the brains are wired different. Some lights are off while other lights are on in another brain. That’s the best way I know how to describe it.
I’ve become more accepting of myself since I’ve done the research. It’s been freeing to know why I’m not like anyone I know. And I’m learning, very slowly, that it’s okay to be me.
And being me is actually a pretty cool thing to be.