Having an Invisible Disabilty

As I have stated in previous blogs, I have 22q11 deletion as well as sensory processing disorder and being on the autism spectrum. PDD-pervailiance developmental delay is high on the list of symptoms of 22q. And they connected that with ASD. So it’s there, the name is just different. Having an invisible disability, having multiple ones at this is HARD. People get annoyed at your memory problems. They expect you do to things faster than you are capable of. So you struggle, and fight, and persist. You persist so much they forget, and so do you at times, about how far you’ve come. They forget to be gentle with you. They don’t mean to, because to them you appear “normal” a word I hate, but is thought of by the general population. And that feeling, a sense of belonging, feels AMAZING to you. And then you feel deep shame. Shame for hating your disablities so much that you try and strive to be something you’re not. That you want to be more like and not…you. And that is sad, really. People with invisibal disablities are some of the strongest people I know, or have learned about. The world is a cold one, hard and demanding of you. Societies only thrive on contributations, so you feel you must do your part. And when you can’t keep up, you feel like a failure. Or, at least I do. And I hate that deep shape I feel when I realize I don’t want to be me. Being someone else, being yes, “normal” seems so much nicer. The grass is always greener, right? And so I get so MAD at myself when I can’t keep up. I set unrealistic goals just to try and stay afloat, and then I don’t reach that peak I come crashing down. I’m learning to be more like the tortoise in that old fable, hare and the tortoise. I, too, want to look at that mountain view-and see what others are seeing. But I might need more stepping holes, and more hands to help me reach the top. Sometimes, when I feel like quiting I remind myself I’m actually pretty close to being tied to that mountain. I can’t quit. You can’t just quit life. So you have to move forward. I just need to be reminded to do it at my own pace…and to remind myself that I have those disablities, but that does’t mean I’m slow, or stupid, or crazy. I’m me, and that’s okay.

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